Letting Go
by jewel21
Summary: A year after Rachel's death, Alec hits rock bottom. Who is there to help pick him up? (M/A)


Disclaimer: I do not own DA. The characters belong to Cameron/Eglee Productions and Fox, although I really do want Alec.   
Feedback: It's much appreciated and just might make me write more, lol.   
Author's Notes: I had this story up for ahwile now on several boards including GBM. I finally decided to post it here as well. Also, I have a ton of fics that are NC-17 in nature that can also be found at GBM. For anyone interested, the link is in my profile. 

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Letting Go

From across the crowded room of TC's Head Quarters, brown eyes fused with normally sparkling hazel ones, only to find them eerily vacant and haunted. 

Surprised, Max found her attention drawn to Alec's almost lifeless face, her eyes riveted upon the strange sight before her. Eyes enraptured, she stared at him much like one would when staring at a traffic accident, knowing they should look elsewhere, but unable to tear their eyes away from the surreal scene before them. 

She continued to stare until, as if sensing his unwelcome spectator, he finally turned away. Still trying to decipher his mood, her eyes now focused on the tense lines of his back as he engaged in conversation with Mole. 

Shaking her head at her own behavior, she dropped her eyes back to the piles of mission plans littering her desk. Vainly, she attempted to focus on the worn map in her hand, her fingers lightly tracing over the ragged edges. Something kept nagging at her though, and despite knowing that Alec would rather not be the center of her attentions, she found her eyes once more drawn to the morose X-5 standing across the room. 

He'd been quiet all day. Quite unusual considering this was Alec. Most of the time, he was a bundle of energy, never shutting up, to the point where she wondered if he should be medicated. 'Happy-go-lucky' is how most people would probably describe Alec; his chattiness, sparkling eyes and cocky demeanor giving him the appearance of any typical twenty-two year old male. 

But the real Alec was anything but typical. 

In reality, he was dark, complex and a master at hiding his true thoughts and feelings. Joshua had once referred to Alec as 'tricks and treats' and he had been right. For the first twenty years of his life he had been taught to fight back emotion, and he was good at it. The ease at which he could suppress his true feelings with a quick smile and witty remark always managed to surprise her.

He had once told her he was 'always alright.' At the time, she had let it go, preferring to believe the obvious lie rather than to have him open up to her. But now, looking at him, she could see he was anything but. 

From where he stood listening to Mole, she could see that his rigid posture was barely skin deep. Underneath it all, there was a weariness that chilled her. His large eyes were lined with fatigue, angry dark circles marring the smooth flesh underneath. But, it was his silence that unnerved her the most. Alec talked. A lot. Tired, hungry, pissed off, he always had something to say, whether it was a wise-crack, a comment, or some other smart-aleck remark that made her want to cuff him in the back of the head and kick his genetically engineered ass. 

His normal chattiness, in such direct contrast to today's sullenness, disturbed her. 

He'd been late today. Granted, he was usually late to their morning meetings, but today had been different. Most days he'd wander into HQ twenty minutes late, his hands deep in the pockets of his worn leather jacket, a carefree 'hey Max' leaving his full lips as he casually took a seat next to her. 

Some days, she would merely glare at him, too tired to chew him out. More days than not, she'd utter a 'glad you find time in your busy schedule to grace us with your presence, Alec' to which he'd make a typical 'Alec comment' the room's occupants breaking into laughter. 

However, today had been different. Forty minutes late, he had walked into HQ and silently taken a seat, ignoring her comment on his tardiness. As soon as the meeting had let up, he'd vaulted from his seat as though it were on fire, quickly weaving his way through the throngs of people until she had lost sight of him.

That had been hours ago. 

Truth be told, she had forgotten about him until just a few moments ago when her eyes had accidentally locked with his. And while she wanted nothing more than to pretend nothing was wrong and return to the map clasped between her fingers, the nagging voice in her head refused to comply. 

Sighing, she was just about to pull herself from her seat when she saw him abruptly turn away from Mole and walk in her direction. 

"Alec," she called out as he walked past her. 

Rather than stopping to address her, he clenched his jaw and continued on as though she hadn't even spoken.

"Alec," she repeated, her voice sharp, pissed at having been so blatantly ignored. 

Not slowing in his stride, he walked out of HQ, the door shutting firmly behind him with a metallic clang. 

"He's been acting weird all day," Mole said. Having come to stand beside her, he took a puff of his trademark cigar before removing it and waving it at her accusingly. "What did you do?" 

"I didn't do anything," Max said defensively, glaring at the giant lizard man. 

"Uh-huh," Mole said, clearly not believing her. "Just fix it," he said gruffly, taking a long drag of his cigar before exhaling. A thick cloud of blue-grey smoke circled around his head before lazily dissipating into the air. A second later he was gone. 

Pissed, Max seated herself once again and unrolled one of the building plans curled up on her desk. She tried to focus on the various lines before her, but the lines kept blurring away to form empty hazel eyes. Frustrated, and vowing to kick Alec's ass for making her worry, she got up and grabbed the leather jacket draped across the back of her chair before leaving HQ behind. 

***

The air was surprisingly warm considering the sun had set an hour ago. The sky, now a deep blue, contained a light dusting of stars peering around the mass of wispy clouds strewn across it. Hoping that she would find him somewhere with a nice view, Max wandered TC's grounds opting against checking out the Terminal City bar and Alec's apartment. 

If he was anything like she was, he would want to be alone; the bar much too crowded for his liking and he knew that his apartment would be the first place people would come looking for him. Disregarding several empty buildings loitering the far edges of Terminal City, she finally settled on a humble building tucked safely away in the corner, partially obscured by several taller office buildings. 

The closer she got, the more certain she was that Alec was there. The knowledge of how aware she'd become of his presence over such a short period of time was incredibly disconcerting. 

She could smell him as she entered the building, the scent of leather, soap, Scotch, and something else that was distinctly Alec. The aroma lingered faintly in the stairwell as she stealthily weaved her way up the steps. Finally, reaching the top, she paused outside the door leading to the roof. The smell was strong now, permeating the small space and caressing her skin like a lover's touch. 

Taking a deep breath, she placed her hands on the cool metal door, briefly preparing herself for what she was sure would be anything but a warm welcome. Closing her eyes, not looking forward to dealing with moody Alec, Max pushed the door open.

"Go away."

The words were flat, as though the energy required to harden them was too much for him. He was sitting in profile to her, brown locks gently tousled from the wind ruffling through them, giving him a boyishly vulnerable appearance that she rarely associated him with. 

Slightly taken aback, she paused, taking a deep breath before cautiously walking toward his hunched over form. Moving aside the half-empty bottle of Scotch beside him, she gingerly took its place. His jaw clenched at her actions and he purposely ignored her, choosing to focus his gaze on the dark looming structure of the building across the street rather than on her. 

Nervously, she licked her lips before attempting to speak, knowing she'd have to tread carefully, something she never imagined she'd have to do with Alec. He was normally so cocky, none of the harsh words she'd ever directed at him ever daring to deflate his ego. 

Although, now forced to remember those times, she doubted he was as unaffected as he lead her to believe. Now, as they sat together in silence, she recalled the brief glimpses of hurt she'd seen in his eyes the few times she had really looked at him closely. The realization was a sobering one. 

She didn't even understand why she was thinking these thoughts. This was Alec for god's sake! 

Except that was the problem, she realized. As much as she tried to deny it, something between them had changed somewhere along the way. He'd become a part of her life. Rather than bitching every time she saw him, now she found herself wondering where he had been…what he had done. 

Shaking her head at her unnerving thoughts, she turned to him. 

The muscle in his jaw were steadily ticking away, his fingers tightly curled around the neck of the bottle of alcohol she had moved. From the looks of it, if he squeezed any harder, he was going to shatter it. 

"Alec," she said softly, her fingers winding around his own to pry the bottle from his grasp and set it down beside her. 

"Why are you here, Max? I told you that you weren't welcome, so get lost," he said harshly, hazel orbs drifting towards chocolate brown ones before breaking the contact and dismissing her. 

Anger and hurt colored her cheeks red, the desire to leave his drunken ass on the rooftop was overwhelming but she grudgingly pushed the urge aside. 

"I'm not going anywhere," she said stubbornly, jutting out her chin, silently daring him to stop her. 

"Go away!" he shouted, the words harsh and loud as they broke the tension that had been building between them. 

She flinched at the unexpected noise, unable to recall a time when Alec had ever raised his voice to her. 

Taken aback, she opened her mouth, a torrent of angry words ready to spill out and put him in his place, but much to both their surprises, all she managed was a softy spoken, "No."

Stunned, he raised his eyes, locking them with her own. The tension was palpable between them as they stared each other down for several long minutes. 

"Why not," he finally asked dejectedly, resting his head against the brick wall behind him to look up at the dark velvet sky. 

He reached blindly for the bottle and she reluctantly handed it to him, watching as he took a long swallow before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. 

"How much more of that are you planning on drinking?" Max asked, cringing at how heartless the words sounded even to her own ears. 

He was silent for so long, she thought he wasn't going to answer. 

"As much as it takes," he mumbled, closing his eyes against her piercing gaze. 

She digested his words for several minutes before speaking. 

"To do what?" she finally asked him, confused. 

"To forget," he said simply.

Silently pondering his words, she tried to think of whom or what it was that he was trying so hard to forget. The only other time she had seen him so withdrawn and upset had been when-- Thinking back to those events, she calculated the date and paled as she finally realized what had been causing these changes in Alec. 

"I loved her," he said quietly, watching the realization dawn on her face. 

Unsure of how to respond, she was silent for a moment, carefully trying to form the words in her head. 

"I know you did," she said finally, recalling the time she'd stumbled upon him draped over Rachel's bed. The vision of him sobbing over her still form had unnerved her. Her presence during such a private, intimate moment had felt intrusive and she had quietly stepped out of the room, unnoticed, leaving him alone in his grief. But the image was one that she would never forget. Rachel had died several days later. 

Exactly a year ago to this day. 

"It goes by so fast. So much has happened since then..." he said before trailing off, once more lost in painful memories. 

"I know," Max replied quietly. 

He stared out into the night sky and swallowed before continuing, "I loved her and I killed her," the words harsh and cruel in the night air as he brushed dirt from his jeans before attempting to stand.

Small hands latched onto larger ones, preventing him from leaving. Shaking her head, she forced him to look at her. 

"You didn't kill Rachel, Alec. They killed her." Her voice was bitter as she thought of Manticore and all they had taken from them. Rachel, Eva, Tinga...Ben. 

She watched feeling powerless as he shook his head at her words. 

"Alec, listen to me," she said. "Please," she added when he failed to respond. 

Blank, empty eyes found hers. 

"Alec, Manticore discharged that bomb. You didn't kill Rachel. You loved her," Max said, a slight hint of desperation tingling her voice.

He shook his head at her words. "I should have tried harder, Max," he said, his voice cracking slightly on her name. "I should have-- I don't know. I just should have done something differently. I should have tried harder," he finally said, pursing his lips. 

The broken man sitting dejectedly before her, frightened her. Max wanted to reach him somehow, to comfort him like he had once done for her when she had confided to him about Ben all those months ago, but she didn't know how.

"She was beautiful," he said, his voice taking on a far away dreamy quality as he closed his eyes. Even with her enhanced hearing, she had to strain to hear him, not sure if he was talking to her or to himself. "She was everything we weren't--everything we can never really be. She was so innocent and pure. And, when she'd walk into a room it'd just light up," he whispered. 

A long stretch of silence ensued, and she thought he was done when he started speaking again, "She was so different from everyone I've ever met. Sometimes...sometimes she scared me. She made me feel things that I wasn't even aware of. Everything about her was so full of life," he broke off, lost in the painful bittersweet memories consuming him. "Seeing her lying in that bed was horrible." He laughed suddenly, the sharp, unexpected sound making her flinch. 

"Alec," Max said, trying to think of something to steer his mind away from his torturous thoughts, but he continued on. 

"All the qualities I loved about her -- they were just gone," he whispered, ignoring her. 

"She really had died in that blast. What was left of her was just this...just an empty shell, a cruel twist of fate," he said bitterly. 

Max placed a hand on his arm in an attempt to comfort him, but he shrugged it off. 

"Do you want to know what my last memory of her was?" he asked, turning his face slightly to pierce her eyes with his own. 

Not waiting for a response, he continued. "When I told her what I was, when I tried to save her, she slapped me and told me she hated me," he said, his voice flat. 

"She loved you," Max interjected, needing to reassure him. 

He shook his head violently at her words. 

"Don't you get it, Max? She loved Simon Lehane. She didn't love X5-494," he said bitterly. 

"Simon Lehane. X5-494. Alec. They're all you."

"No," he said, once more reaching for the bottle of alcohol but she knocked it out of his grasp, the contents spilling into a dark puddle onto the ground beside them. Ignoring it, he turned to face her once more. "I wish I could go back. Do it differently," his eyes suspiciously bright as he willed her to understand. 

"I know," she said simply, her hand hesitantly reaching up to cup his cheek, his flesh feverishly hot against her palm. 

He closed his eyes and leaned into her touch, seeking the comfort she was offering him. 

His lashes were damp against her hand and she leaned closer, their legs lightly touching. Raising her other hand to brush the hair back from his forehead, she froze when his eyes suddenly opened. 

"I really did love her," he whispered, and she had to lean slightly forward to catch his words. 

"I know," she said, just as softly.

His eyes lingered on her own for several long seconds before trailing to her lips. The kiss was unexpected, catching them both off guard. Soft, lightly trembling lips pressed against her own full ones. 

Stunned, she failed to react at first, and he took the opportunity to deepen the kiss. A slight surge of electricity shot through her to coil low in her belly even as her subconscious was screaming at her that it was wrong. 

She gasped against him; his hands now tangled in her straight, ebony locks. He covered her soft body with his hard one until she lay beneath him on the cold hard ground. She could feel his tears on her face, the kiss one of desperation and grief, even as she allowed him to plunder her mouth. A part of her wanted to shove him off of her and kick his ass, even as her thighs parted to cradle his trembling body. 

"Alec," Max finally managed to gasp, turning her head to the side, her chest heaving beneath his own. 

The sound of his name on her lips was what finally penetrated his grief-stricken mind and he moved off of her as though he'd been burned. 

Slowly, Max sat up, tugging at the hem of her shirt that had ridden up when he had lowered them to the ground.

. 

"Max, I'm sorry," Alec mumbled. "I -- I can't do this. I have to go," he said quickly, jumping to his feet and blurring to the door. 

She beat him to it, using her body to prevent him from running out of the building. 

"Max, move," Alec ordered, irritated. 

"No," she said defiantly. 

Wearily he ran his hand through his already messed-up hair. Her eyes softened as she took his appearance in. Not only did he looked tired, but he looked so lost. Stepping away from the door, she stood before him, raising her eyes to gaze into his tormented ones. 

As much to his surprise, as to her own, she wrapped her arms around him. Stunned, it took him a few seconds to react before tentatively wrapping his arms around her slight frame. Emboldened by the fact that she wasn't kicking his ass, he tightened his grip on her, crushing their two bodies together. 

His breath was warm on her skin as he buried his face into the crook of her neck and she placed a hand over his barcode, gently stroking it back and forth, feeling him shudder in her arms from the simple touch. 

"Max, about that kiss. I --" he mumbled against her silky flesh. 

"Shh," she whispered. 

"I shouldn't have done it. I was --" he continued as she swallowed against the lump lodged in her throat before interrupting him. 

"We'll talk about it in the morning," she said, pulling away from him to lightly clasp his hand. Dragging him back to where they had been sitting, neither wanting to go home just yet, she sat down waiting for him to follow her example. 

Tiredly, he sat down beside her. 

"We'll talk about it in the morning," she repeated, needing to make sense of the jumbled mass of emotions she was experiencing. When he nodded in agreement, she stretched out onto the ground, using her jacket as a makeshift pillow. Seconds later, he did the same, lying beside her, both lost in thought as they started up at the night time sky. 

***

Making a sound of protest deep in her throat as the sun started to rise, she screwed her eyes tightly shut and buried her face into her blanket, trying to block out the sun's rays that threatened to seep through. 

It took her several seconds to realize however; that the object she was snuggling against was not her mattress. 

Disoriented, she raised her head, chocolate brown eyes locking with uncertain hazel ones. Realizing she was snuggled up against Alec's side, one of her legs draped over his own, his hand lying across her back, she blushed before detangling herself to sit cross-legged beside him. 

She'd been up all night, only falling asleep an hour or so ago. Alec had fallen asleep soon after they had lain down, his even breathing comforting her as she lay wide-awake. Her mind had kept replaying the kiss over and over again, as she pondered all the feelings it had awoken in her. 

She'd been stunned in the beginning, her first reaction to push him away. It had been the wrongness of it, the situation surrounding the kiss that had been hard to take. Had it been done any other time, she wondered if her reaction would have been different. 

"Good morning," he said carefully, sitting up. 

"Morning, how do you feel?" she asked, running her hand through her tangled hair. 

"My eyes burn, my throat hurts, my head is throbbing and for some reason my leg is wet," he said disdainfully, peeling the damp material of his pant leg from the flesh of his calf. 

"That's because you're lying in a puddle of Scotch," she said, smiling lightly at his expression. 

He cleared his throat nervously, both suddenly uncomfortable by the growing silence. 

"Thank you," he said finally. 

Startled, Max raised her eyes to look at him." You're welcome," she said sincerely. "Alec--"

"Max," he said at the same time, causing her pause her train of thought. "About the kiss yesterday," he began awkwardly, "It shouldn't have happened." 

"Oh," Max said flatly, disappointed at his words. She could feel his eyes burning into her and quickly smiled up at him. "We should get going. Today's meeting will be starting soon." Attempting to stand, his hand clasped around her wrist prevented her. 

"Max?" he asked questioningly, her expression not going unnoticed. 

Truth was he had wanted to kiss her for a while now. Her break-up with Logan a couple of months ago, only helping to fuel his developing feelings for her, but he was afraid she wouldn't feel the same way about him. 

He waited for her to say something but she remained frustratingly silent before him. 

Steeling his resolve, he winded his fingers through her wind-swept hair and gently pulled her toward him, giving her time to move away. When she didn't, he pressed hesitant lips against her own. Seconds later she responded and he grew bolder, his other hand cupping her cheek, his thumb lightly stroking against her skin as he used his tongue to lightly trace her bottom lip before gently sucking on it. Gasping, she parted her lips and he delved inside, his tongue exploring the warm cavern of her mouth. 

She could taste remnants of Scotch on his breath as her tongue twinned with his own. Moaning softly, she reluctantly pulled away.

"When?" he asked quietly. 

"I'm not sure," she said shakily, her tongue flicking out to wet her suddenly dry lips. 

"Somewhere, instead of being the eternal pain in my ass, you became more," she said simply. 

She was silent for several moments before continuing, "Alec, about Rachel--" 

"I loved her Max. She was my first everything, but she's gone now," he said honestly, willing her to understand. She nodded and smiled sadly at him. 

Needing to lighten the seriousness of the situation, he grinned cheekily at her as his eyes glittered dangerously and she wondered if she'd have to beat the shit of out him for whatever comment was about to leave his mouth. 

"You know, I knew it was only a matter of time before you couldn't resist this fine piece of ass," he said, laughing as her arm shot out and hit him in the shoulder. 

"Tsk, tsk, Maxie. You know what they say about denial," he teased, flashing her a trademark grin. The fact that he was reverting back to his normal smug self was reassuring although there was no way she was going to encourage his already over-inflated ego. 

"Shut up," she grumbled but there was no hostility to her voice and her own eyes shone back at him with laughter. 

"Come on," he said, pulling her to her feet. "We have a morning meeting to get ready for." 

Stopping at the doorway, he turned back, his eyes raking across the open space as he recalled the previous night. 

"You okay?" Max asked gently, placing her hand on his shoulder. 

Nodding his head, he cast one last glance out at the roof, saying a silent goodbye to Rachel and his past. Fingers entwining with Max's, they stepped through the doorway and slowly made their way toward HQ. 

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